I was only eight when it all began. He was a respected citizen, a professional of good standing in society, and presumably a good husband and caring father, whose two children were almost my age. He was a family friend, and as the husband of my father’s Rakhi sister, he had easy access into our home. We visited them often on festivals and birthdays. He was always especially nice to me, always wanting to hug and cuddle me. He would play these fun games with me and I remember how his hands would cup and crush my not-yet-developed breasts. His actions would always be accompanied with a smile.
I somehow never felt comfortable in his presence. But I did not know what to do or how to react. After all, he was an “uncle” whom everybody else in the family seemed to like. What made it worse was that he genuinely did like me and never made a secret of his feelings. He always told my unsuspecting parents what a lovely child I was.
Neither did he ever threaten me to keep it a secret. That left me even more confused. As a child, I knew and understood that he was like my parents who could never do anything wrong. And yet, I felt something wasn’t right. There was never any space to process my emotions, really. All I knew was the person whom my parents trusted had done something bad to me that I could never forget or forgive.
This continued for four years.
It stopped when he left the city on transfer. Perhaps it also coincided with my attaining of age. I realised he had no business to do this to me. By the time I turned 15, I had started hating him.
My process of healing started a decade after I left the city as a married woman. I realised I was one among many Indian children who had faced some form of sexual abuse.
I was extremely lucky to find a very supporting partner. What I could never tell my parents, siblings, best friends in school and college, I shared with my husband.
He helped me to let go of my shame. He helped me reclaim and retain my peace of mind.
I have two daughters aged seven and nine. I have to protect them, and as a mother, I am fierce about it. I teach my little girls each day that they own their bodies and nobody dare touch them without their permission. As a child abuse survivor, whenever I bring up the issue now, it is only to reiterate the importance of gender equality. I have been lucky in finding a strong mentor and a good friend in my husband, who broke the silence by embracing the idea of consent even in our intimate relationship. It is he who empowers me and makes our bond stronger.
I can’t say I have come out of my childhood trauma completely. But yes, I face the world with more courage these days.
